Not for kids under 17

The latest episode of "Modern Family" cracked me up. Of course, it always cracks me up. But the whole storyline of Claire and Phil with their role playing going slightly awry had me on the floor.

Still the idea was intriguing, and it got me thinking. What would happen in our household . . . ?

Me: David, want to try some role playing?

D: No.

Me: Come on. It'd be fun.

D: No.

Me: Okay, you're the lord of the manor, and your eye is caught by the earthy milkmaid.

D: A milkmaid? You hate cows.

Me: Forget the cows. It's pretend. Let's start again. You're the lusty lord of the manor, and the earthy milkmaid has caught your eye. But you can't have me because I'm too far below your station.

D: My station?

Me: It means we come from different classes.

D: I know what it means. But come on, my station? The only station I could be in is Grand Central, or maybe South Kensington if you're insisting on this whole lord of the manor England thing.

Me: (quickly changing gears) Okay, then you're a shy shoe shiner working on one of the platforms in Grand Central Station. You've seen me almost every day, but haven't been able to bring yourself to talk to me.

D: Why can't I talk to you? Is this another station thing?

Me: No, we're separated by the tracks. You work on one side shining shoes, I work on the other selling baked goods.

D: Baked goods? Do you mean doughnuts?

Me: If you want.

D: Because you know I'd only be interested in the doughnuts, not the person selling them. And besides, you'd probably be a little on the chubby side. Or is that what you mean by earthy?

Me: Did you just call me fat?

D: Well, you would be if you were selling doughnuts. Did I ever tell you about the time I worked in a doughnut shop when I was a teenager? Fifteen pounds in three weeks. But maybe you have good teeth.

Me: I think I'm going to throw myself on the tracks.

D: There aren't any tracks around here.

Me: FINE! I hear the garbage truck coming down the street. I'll go throw myself in front of it.

D: Now you're a sanitation worker? That's even worse than the whole station thing.

Me: ARRRRGH!