"Why me?" mother asks.

Rose: Rose is wondering what her family is doing today.

Me: Why?

Rose: Because Rose is hungry, and Rose would like to get something to eat soon.

Me: Why are you talking in the third person?

Rose: Rose is practicing for the Third Person Event.

Me: What's that?

Rose: The Third Person Event is where every member participating talks in the third person for a whole week, unless they are talking to a teacher or an adult who doesn't enjoy the wonders of third person.

Me: You do realize that Elmo is also a creature who speaks in the third person, and it makes me want to punch him in the face?

Rose: Rose will take under consideration the fact that her mother is one of the adults who has a problem with this event.

David: Rose is wise in that assessment.

Who says schooling stops during the summer?

Sabrina: What should I do, Rose?

Rose: This, this, or this.

S: No, no, and no. I don't like those options.

R: (very calmly) Fine, I'm leaving.

S: But I need your opinions and help.

R: (also calmly) No, you don't. And I'm not happy. (leaves the room)

(a short while later)

S: Rose! Come help me mash the cookie dough. I don't like getting my hands dirty.

R: Awesome! Kill the butter! Kill the butter!

S: You're not doing it right.

R: Yes, I am.

S: No, you're not. Do it this way.

R: Trust me. I've mashed many, many doughs in my life. I'm an expert.

S: No, you're doing it wrong.

R: Do it yourself then. (and walks away)

S: Come back! I don't want to do it! I hate how messy it is!

R: Guess you should have thought of that before you started criticizing me.

We Scoff at Boring

We knew we were going to be doing a lot of hiking and horseback riding on our vacation, so we invested in refillable water bottles. Knowing that there are some in our family who object to others touching their stuff, David thought it would be wise if we labeled the bottles so they would not get mixed up. He asked Calvin to do that job. Calvin said sure and went off with the water bottles and a sharpie. A while later he came back and deposited the bottles on the table with a flourish. "I'm done!" Everyone stared at the bottles in confused silence. The water bottles were labeled, all right, but not with our names. We read the names off: Edison, Donut, Toadette, Lance, Lileep, Chrysanthium, Freebob, and Srack. I looked at Calvin. "Why?" I asked. Calvin replied that he thought just putting our own names on the bottles would be boring.

We stood around in silence a few second longer, and then there was a mad rush to claim particular bottles. I said Lance was absolutely out as it brought back horrid memories of high school and the one and only time I ever went on a date with a guy named Lance. This date consisted of Lance showing me his large collection of Star Wars figurines, after which he turned to his chess board and proceeded to go over the highlights of his best games. Lance then proudly informed me that his full name was Lance Lars Lopfer III, and that when we had a son he would be Lance Lars Lopfer IV. I guess since I had been dumb enough to actually sit through his discussions of which Star Wars character was the best and why, AS WELL AS his chess lecture, he decided I was a viable candidate for marriage. Needless to say I didn't need those memories raining down on me every time I took a sip of water on this trip. I decided to go for Donut, thinking it might make me a little bit more attractive.

The bottles were divvied up, everyone seemed more or less happy with their choice and off we went. Nobody ever complained about their chosen name. In fact, when the name on Rose's water bottle rubbed completely off (she had Toadette), she grabbed a sharpie and wrote the same name down again, even though it was a prime opportunity to change it. And Calvin was right, it definitely wasn't boring as the whole vacation I heard things like, "Anybody want some Lance?" or "I had Freebob twice last night."