A galling situation

My gallbladder hates me.

It suprised me greatly to find this out, because I can honestly say that I had no feelings whatsoever about my gallbladder. In fact, until a week and a half ago, I would have been hardpressed to state with the utmost confidence that I actually had a gallbladder. I do not know what I did to inspire such hatred from an internal organ, but the fact remains that the hatred is there, and it is fierce.

How do I know this? Last week I had occasional, off-and-on abdomen pains. Nothing too serious, but enough to make me sit up and take notice. Then, perhaps tired of its thankless and unnoticeable job, my gallbladder completely went on strike. Of course, I didn't know this at the time. All I knew was that there was incredible, ceaseless pain that made me think that going to the emergency room (because, of course, it was late in the evening) was a good idea.

Upon coming to that conclusion, however, a slight problem arose. I was home with the kids, unable to drive due to pain, Sabrina was not yet old enough to drive for me, and David was off in a tube, with no phone, getting an MRI. But get to the emergency room I did, eventually. There they shot me up with super duper drugs that got me higher than a kite. After the second shot (because the first one basically did nothing), I was giggling like mad over the size of the needle on the shot they gave me. (I am sure it was a foot long.) The ER doctor asked me how I was feeling now, and I replied that I thought the pain was still there, but I just didn't care anymore. And that I loved him. Luckily, David was there to hear follow-up instructions.

The last week has been a blur of doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, and blood work. Diagnosis? My gallbladder hates me.

Here is a picture my surgeon drew for me:

I think we can all agree this is some excellent drawing. Hopefully, he's just as good at surgery.

Sabrina wanted to know what was wrong, so I pulled out this handy-dandy picture and showed her. Because she is smarter than me, and has also just recently finished a full year of biology, she was very familiar with the organs shown.

Sabrina: What are all those little balls in the gallbladder?

Me: Those are gallstones.

S: What are they doing there?

Me: My gallbladder produced them.

S: What's their purpose?

Me: Their only purpose is to torment and torture.

S: Well, they've done their job then. Why does your gallbladder have a frilly bonnet?

Me: That is to show it is very inflamed.

S: I want to congratulate you.

Me: What for?

S: That is an impressive amount of gallstones and inflammation. Obviously, if you do something, you commit wholeheartedly. Go big or go home, I always say.

Me: Thank you. I think.

So, because my gallbladder hates me and is trying to kill me, proactive measures have to be taken. Tomorrow, I am going under the knife to remove that sucker. Hopefully, when it's all done, my innards will look more like this:

Go, Team Surgery!

Where are my pants?

Sabrina: What are you wearing???

Rose: Pajama pants.

S: Those are MY pajama pants.

R: No, they're not.

S: Yes, they are.

R: No, they're not. They've been in my drawer for more than a year.

S: That doesn't matter. They're mine.

R: No, they're not.

S: I've been wondering where they were.

R: They've been in my drawer, because they're mine.

S: No, I remember distinctly what happened. Mom bought me some pajama pants at Old Navy. They were slightly too big, so she went back and got me the next size down. I've always had two pairs of pants that look exactly the same.

R: Well, they are mine. But even so, you shouldn't miss these because you already have a pair that is EXACTLY THE SAME.

S: Give them back. They're mine.

R: No, they are not. Why do you need two of the same thing anyway?

S: Because I like them, AND THEY ARE MINE!

R: No.

S: GIVE THEM BACK!!!

R: No. I am not taking these pants off and giving them to you.

S: Take them off, wash them, and give them back.

R: No.

Me: Can we please talk about something else? I am really tired of hearing about the pants.

Grandma: I heard you girls saw a movie yesterday. Did you like it?

S: Mom and I did. Rose didn't watch it, because she doesn't like any of the same things that I do.

Calvin: She likes the same pants.

Life Skills

Friend: Do you know what your children are doing downstairs?

Me: No. Why?

F: Just thought you should check, because I found both Sabrina and Calvin doing something with doorknobs.

Me: Sabrina, what are you guys doing?

Sabrina: Calvin and I are trying to pick a lock.

Me: Why?

S: Because I think it's a life skill that would be useful to know.

C: Yeah, you never know when it might come in handy.

David: Do you know what you're doing?

S: Not really.

D: You might want to be careful. Instead of picking the lock, you more likely will end up breaking the doorknob.

S: How do you know?

D: Let's just say personal experience.

C: You don't need to worry about that with me, Dad. I think I picked a tool that is too big. I haven't even been able to get it in the lock yet.

Truth in Advertising

Sabrina: Wow.

Me: What?

S: I just saw an advertisement for "The Fault in Our Stars" movie.

Me: Oh, do you want to go see it?

S: No. The casting looks horrible. They obviously got both Augustus and Hazel Grace all wrong. But that's not the issue here. They had a commercial for it on TV just now, and it said it was going to be the "feel good movie of the year."

Me: No way.

S: What were they thinking? I've read the book, and it's amazing. But let me tell you, people will not be walking out of that theater "feeling good."

Honesty

Me: How was your voice lesson today?

Rose: Great. Although my voice teacher said I really need to work on lowering my larynx.

Me: Yes, you certainly do.

R: Wait! You knew about this?

Me: Yes, dear.

R: Why didn't you tell me???

Me: Because you don't listen to me or my advice.

R: True.

Helpful 2

Sabrina: What happens if I go out with this boy and I have nothing to say! So awkward! I just might die.

Me: Knowing you, I somehow doubt that will happen.

S: I could be tongue-tied and then he'd never want to see me again, and he'll tell all his friends how weird I am.

Calvin: Sabrina, I've been thinking about this, and I believe you need to have some questions ready to bring out for when there are lulls in conversation. Luckily for you, I have some questions prepared.

S: Cool! What are they?

C: Here they are. I think they'll be great conversation starters. Let me know if you need more.

    1. Do you know how to make a bow and arrow?

    2. Do you know how to make a slingshot?

    3. Have you ever been to prison?

    4. If so, what are the people like there?

Helpful

Sabrina: Guess what? I asked that boy out and he said --

Rose: No?

S: As a matter of fact he said yes.

R: Really? I guess he must like snacks or romantic play dates.

S: Shut up. I didn't use either of those terms. But I forgot to ask him for his cell phone. What should I say?

R: Here's an idea. How about, "Hey, what's your phone number?"

S: I can't do that!

R: Why on earth not?

S: Well, for one thing, that sounds too simple. Besides, what if he forgot I asked him out? Then he'd think I was weird for asking for his number, and I'd be really embarrassed.

R: That's not going to happen.

S: But what if it does?

R: Okay, how about this? Excuse me, could we possibly exchange numbers for our cellular devices so that we may communicate about coordinating any future romantic get-togethers?

S: Seriously?

R: You said my first suggestion was too simple, so I was just trying to sound like you.

That was easy.

Sabrina: I think I want to ask this boy out. Is that okay?

Me: I guess. What were you thinking of?

S: Maybe asking him to go out for a snack or something.

Rose: A snack? What are you, a preschooler?

S: How about a romantic play date? Would that make you feel any better, Rose?

R: Oh, my gosh, you are killing me. I won't ever be able to show my face around school again.

S: That was just too easy.

Pick a kid, any kid.

Me: I swear one our children will not make it to adulthood. At this point, I don't care which one it is.

Sabrina: I would suggest Calvin. In my favor, I am the most capable, I'm able to take care of myself, and I am only the second highest maintenance kid here.

David: And she's persuasive to boot.

Target Terror

One morning we had some time to kill before our fun for the day started. We looked around and thought, "What can we possibly do to entertain five kids?" (Both girls had friends along for the ride.) Seeing that entertainment was scarce at that hour, David decided to while away the minutes at Target. He reasoned he could sit at the Starbucks conveniently located at the front of the store while he set our kids loose in the main store. I later asked how it went.

Me: So, what did you guys do while you were at Target?

Rose: We had lots of fun. My friend and I played Target Terror.

Me: Target Terror?

R: No, mom, you misheard. It was Target Dare.

Me: How do you play that?

R: You come up with funny activities and then your friend has to do them.

Me: For example?

R: I put a lampshade on my head and went up to a Target employee and said, "I have a party to go to this afternoon. Do you think this is too mainstream?"

Me: You actually did that?

R: Of course.

Me: How did the person react?

R: They looked sort of confused/scared and told  me that no, the lampshade was not too mainstream. I thanked them politely and walked away.

Me: I think Target Terror might be the more appropriate name after all.