We Scoff at Boring

We knew we were going to be doing a lot of hiking and horseback riding on our vacation, so we invested in refillable water bottles. Knowing that there are some in our family who object to others touching their stuff, David thought it would be wise if we labeled the bottles so they would not get mixed up. He asked Calvin to do that job. Calvin said sure and went off with the water bottles and a sharpie. A while later he came back and deposited the bottles on the table with a flourish. "I'm done!" Everyone stared at the bottles in confused silence. The water bottles were labeled, all right, but not with our names. We read the names off: Edison, Donut, Toadette, Lance, Lileep, Chrysanthium, Freebob, and Srack. I looked at Calvin. "Why?" I asked. Calvin replied that he thought just putting our own names on the bottles would be boring.

We stood around in silence a few second longer, and then there was a mad rush to claim particular bottles. I said Lance was absolutely out as it brought back horrid memories of high school and the one and only time I ever went on a date with a guy named Lance. This date consisted of Lance showing me his large collection of Star Wars figurines, after which he turned to his chess board and proceeded to go over the highlights of his best games. Lance then proudly informed me that his full name was Lance Lars Lopfer III, and that when we had a son he would be Lance Lars Lopfer IV. I guess since I had been dumb enough to actually sit through his discussions of which Star Wars character was the best and why, AS WELL AS his chess lecture, he decided I was a viable candidate for marriage. Needless to say I didn't need those memories raining down on me every time I took a sip of water on this trip. I decided to go for Donut, thinking it might make me a little bit more attractive.

The bottles were divvied up, everyone seemed more or less happy with their choice and off we went. Nobody ever complained about their chosen name. In fact, when the name on Rose's water bottle rubbed completely off (she had Toadette), she grabbed a sharpie and wrote the same name down again, even though it was a prime opportunity to change it. And Calvin was right, it definitely wasn't boring as the whole vacation I heard things like, "Anybody want some Lance?" or "I had Freebob twice last night."

In the dark

When you live near a city, you never really experience true dark. Except for the few times they have gone camping with their dad, my kids have lived with light. More often than not, when I check on them before I go to bed, they are asleep in their rooms with their lights on. So this week in Wyoming has been a learning experience for them. We are in the middle of nowhere, and when the lights go off, it is dark. You can't see your hand in front of your face. We gave the kids flashlights to keep beside their beds in case they had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Sabrina decided very shortly after the lights went out that she needed to go, but she was having trouble finding her flashlight.

Sabrina: Dad! Dad! Help me! I can't find my flashlight! What should I do?

David: It's right on your bedside table. Just pick it up.

S: But I can't find it. I can't see! How am I supposed to find it when I can't see?

D: You need to use your other senses.

Calvin: Taste?

Me: Yeah, you'll need to lick your way to the bathroom.

S: That is not funny, guys.

(a little bit later)

C: Dad, is it true that when you can't see, your other senses get sharper?

D: Yes, that is true.

Rose: Is that why I can smell someone's fart?

Ah, the joys of communal living.

Wilderness Fun

We've had the safety and wilderness talk. The kids seem to be having a great time. They come to dinner beaming.

Calvin: Guess what I did today?

David: What?

C: I peed outside!

D: You did what?

C: I peed outside, in the wilderness. It was fun!

D: Where?

C: Right over there in those bushes.

D: I can't believe you did that! What were you thinking?

C: You said I could.

D: I did not!

Rose: Yes, you did, in the wilderness talk you gave us.

C: Yeah, you said that when we were in the wilderness, we could pee in the great outdoors.

D: I meant when we were on hikes, not in the bushes next to the public dining hall.

C: Well, I guess you should have been more specific.

Vacation Update

I'm back to writing, dear readers, after a few days in the wilderness of Yellowstone where there was very poor cell phone service and no wi-fi. I was disconnected from the world, and it didn't excite me as much as my husband had hoped it would. You would think he'd know after 22 years together that roughing it for me is a hotel with no room service. And now that includes no wi-fi. I expressed my astonishment that Yellowstone was not connected, and my dear husband loftily informed me that the National Park Service had better things to spend their money on. I told him we would just have to agree to disagree on that point.

Before Yellowstone, we spent a couple of days in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. The first day we did an alpine slide. The slide was fun, but Sabrina was convinced she'd plummet to her death on the ski lift up to the top. I made David go with her. The second day we spent on the Snake River whitewater rafting. It was a gorgeous day, and we saw at least a dozen bald eagles and osprey.

We then traveled to Yellowstone. We saw bison, elk, and wolves, and gorgeous scenery. Because we were there on nights with no moon, Rose, David, and my father-in-law were able to go to an astronomy lookout and use giant telescopes to look at the galaxy. Rose even got to see the rings of Saturn.

We were fortunate enough to stay in the Old Faithful Inn. My favorite part was the tour of the Old Faithful Inn that gave us some of the history of the park and the hotel. We got to see lots of geysers, including Old Faithful. We went on the geyser walk, and David and the kids loved every minute of it. Calvin at one point said, "This is the most epic vacation ever! Thanks so much, Dad!" This was said just as a group was passing us on the geyser walk, and one mom said to her teenage girls, "Did you hear that little boy? You should be more grateful." David and the kids were so determined to see Grand Geyser, which has a four-hour window of when it is estimated to erupt, that they sat in the sun for two hours. They assure me it was totally worth it. We also saw Old Faithful, again and again and again. I think I have to agree with Sabriba's assessment that geysers are a little like over-enthusiastic hot tubs.

Yesterday, we left Yellowstone for Ring Lake Ranch outside of Dubois, Wyoming, for a week of hiking, horseback riding, and general relaxation. It is somewhat primitive, by my standards, although at least we don't have to sleep outside. David gave the kids a safety talk before we left. By the time he was done, I was petrified, and I've even been to this ranch before. I texted my friend to tell her goodbye as I was afraid I might not be coming back alive. She asked what the safety lecture included, maybe don't let a horse step on you and avoid poop? I told her that horses didn't even make the top ten, because it was too busy being filled up with ticks, scorpions, rattlesnakes, wild elk, falling from rocks, and avoiding the glacier-fed lakes.

More soon, assuming a rattlesnake doesn't get me first.

Dirt revisited

Sabrina: Mom, Calvin won't put down his sunshade. Make him put it down. He's obstructing my view of dirt.

Calvin: No, you've got miles of dirt on your own side.

See how much fun we're having?

We're on a family vacation, driving through the desert in Nevada. The girls and I are gritting our teeth and doing the best we can to endure. David and Calvin are having a grand old time. David gave our son an atlas of the 50 states and showed him the route. Calvin instantly fell in love with this concept and has been keeping us informed with regular updates as to where we are and how far we have to go. When not poring over the map, he's been looking out the window and peppering David with questions.

Calvin: Look, Dad! Did you see that?

(a few minutes later)

C: What about that, Dad? Did you see that?

(a few minutes later)

C: Did you see that? Did you? Did you?

Sabrina: It's dirt, Calvin. Just dirt. It's ALL dirt.

David: Hey, guys, we're over halfway there!

S: We're almost there?

D: No, I said we're over halfway there. We still have five hours to go.

S: So. Much. Dirt.

Stupid fortune cookies

In other words -- you're ugly, girlfriend. This "fortune" doesn't even work with the traditional endings people like to add. When did fortune cookies stop giving predictions and start giving out the sort of harsh truths only your mother would say?