Life Skills

Friend: Do you know what your children are doing downstairs?

Me: No. Why?

F: Just thought you should check, because I found both Sabrina and Calvin doing something with doorknobs.

Me: Sabrina, what are you guys doing?

Sabrina: Calvin and I are trying to pick a lock.

Me: Why?

S: Because I think it's a life skill that would be useful to know.

C: Yeah, you never know when it might come in handy.

David: Do you know what you're doing?

S: Not really.

D: You might want to be careful. Instead of picking the lock, you more likely will end up breaking the doorknob.

S: How do you know?

D: Let's just say personal experience.

C: You don't need to worry about that with me, Dad. I think I picked a tool that is too big. I haven't even been able to get it in the lock yet.

Truth in Advertising

Sabrina: Wow.

Me: What?

S: I just saw an advertisement for "The Fault in Our Stars" movie.

Me: Oh, do you want to go see it?

S: No. The casting looks horrible. They obviously got both Augustus and Hazel Grace all wrong. But that's not the issue here. They had a commercial for it on TV just now, and it said it was going to be the "feel good movie of the year."

Me: No way.

S: What were they thinking? I've read the book, and it's amazing. But let me tell you, people will not be walking out of that theater "feeling good."

Honesty

Me: How was your voice lesson today?

Rose: Great. Although my voice teacher said I really need to work on lowering my larynx.

Me: Yes, you certainly do.

R: Wait! You knew about this?

Me: Yes, dear.

R: Why didn't you tell me???

Me: Because you don't listen to me or my advice.

R: True.

Helpful 2

Sabrina: What happens if I go out with this boy and I have nothing to say! So awkward! I just might die.

Me: Knowing you, I somehow doubt that will happen.

S: I could be tongue-tied and then he'd never want to see me again, and he'll tell all his friends how weird I am.

Calvin: Sabrina, I've been thinking about this, and I believe you need to have some questions ready to bring out for when there are lulls in conversation. Luckily for you, I have some questions prepared.

S: Cool! What are they?

C: Here they are. I think they'll be great conversation starters. Let me know if you need more.

    1. Do you know how to make a bow and arrow?

    2. Do you know how to make a slingshot?

    3. Have you ever been to prison?

    4. If so, what are the people like there?

Helpful

Sabrina: Guess what? I asked that boy out and he said --

Rose: No?

S: As a matter of fact he said yes.

R: Really? I guess he must like snacks or romantic play dates.

S: Shut up. I didn't use either of those terms. But I forgot to ask him for his cell phone. What should I say?

R: Here's an idea. How about, "Hey, what's your phone number?"

S: I can't do that!

R: Why on earth not?

S: Well, for one thing, that sounds too simple. Besides, what if he forgot I asked him out? Then he'd think I was weird for asking for his number, and I'd be really embarrassed.

R: That's not going to happen.

S: But what if it does?

R: Okay, how about this? Excuse me, could we possibly exchange numbers for our cellular devices so that we may communicate about coordinating any future romantic get-togethers?

S: Seriously?

R: You said my first suggestion was too simple, so I was just trying to sound like you.

That was easy.

Sabrina: I think I want to ask this boy out. Is that okay?

Me: I guess. What were you thinking of?

S: Maybe asking him to go out for a snack or something.

Rose: A snack? What are you, a preschooler?

S: How about a romantic play date? Would that make you feel any better, Rose?

R: Oh, my gosh, you are killing me. I won't ever be able to show my face around school again.

S: That was just too easy.

Pick a kid, any kid.

Me: I swear one our children will not make it to adulthood. At this point, I don't care which one it is.

Sabrina: I would suggest Calvin. In my favor, I am the most capable, I'm able to take care of myself, and I am only the second highest maintenance kid here.

David: And she's persuasive to boot.

Target Terror

One morning we had some time to kill before our fun for the day started. We looked around and thought, "What can we possibly do to entertain five kids?" (Both girls had friends along for the ride.) Seeing that entertainment was scarce at that hour, David decided to while away the minutes at Target. He reasoned he could sit at the Starbucks conveniently located at the front of the store while he set our kids loose in the main store. I later asked how it went.

Me: So, what did you guys do while you were at Target?

Rose: We had lots of fun. My friend and I played Target Terror.

Me: Target Terror?

R: No, mom, you misheard. It was Target Dare.

Me: How do you play that?

R: You come up with funny activities and then your friend has to do them.

Me: For example?

R: I put a lampshade on my head and went up to a Target employee and said, "I have a party to go to this afternoon. Do you think this is too mainstream?"

Me: You actually did that?

R: Of course.

Me: How did the person react?

R: They looked sort of confused/scared and told  me that no, the lampshade was not too mainstream. I thanked them politely and walked away.

Me: I think Target Terror might be the more appropriate name after all.

Tooth Fairy Revisited

The tooth fairy has not visited our household in a long, long time. In addition to the kids' baby teeth just not wanting to exit their mouths, the few that have made a break for freedom have been ignored. I think Rose's last three teeth have netted a total of $0 for her. So when Calvin lost his tooth yesterday, he was naturally concerned.

Calvin: I finally lost a tooth.

David: Great.

C: Do you think the tooth fairy will visit? I know he hasn't visited Rose for her last few teeth.

D: Maybe he's dead.

C: Dad!

Me: He's not dead. It's probably more like the Dread Pirate Roberts.

C: I really want my money, though. How do I make sure he visits tonight?

D: Put it under your pillow.

Me: (shaking head vigorously in the background)

D: Or, uh, put it on the counter in the kitchen.

C: The kitchen?

Me: Yeah, he can find a tooth anywhere.

The next day . . .

C: Dad, the tooth fairy didn't come!

D: Yes, he did.

C: No, he didn't. At least I don't think he did. There's no money there, but my tooth is gone.

D: I am positive the tooth fairy visited last night. Check again.

C: There is nothing there.

Me: Um . . .

D: What?

Me: The money was on the counter?

D: Yes.

Me: I believe I know why the money isn't there now.

D: Why?

Me: Well, I saw the money on the counter this morning and thought, "Oh, goody, a free latte."

C: My tooth money bought you a coffee???

Me: Yes, and it was very delicious. Thank you.

Best pickup line ever?

Sabrina has to do a partner project in English. These types of projects have never been easy for her, starting with pairing up in the first place. Attending a new school has just exacerbated the problem. This morning she was standing around looking lost in the library, figuring she would just wait again until the teacher paired her up with another lost soul or an absent person, when one of the boys in her class walked up to her.

Boy: You will be my partner.

Sabrina: Um, okay. Why?

Boy: Because you are smarter than at least two-thirds of the class, and the other third wouldn't be my partner.

I'd better unpack my shovel

We now live on the coast. I can see the ocean from my house.

Not a bad sight to wake up to every morning.

But in addition to the beautiful view and the soothing sounds of the ocean, this also apparently means we need to be aware of potential, although extremely unlikely, dangers. Specifically, I am talking about tsunamis. My guess, which I cannot substantiate with facts since I am too lazy to actually look up any information, is this was not a concern before the Fukushima tragedy. But now tsunami drills happen periodically. I was wondering how I would know when a drill was to take place, but I needn't have worried. First, you hear a voice on a loudspeaker, and then the loudest siren I have ever heard starts blaring. Also, on certain streets as you drive by you see warning signs.

Calvin is fascinated by these signs. We drove by one just the other day.

Calvin: Look, Mom! Look, Dad! There's a warning sign!

Me: What kind of sign?

C: It says tsunami excavation route!

David: Excavation route?

C: Yes.

D: I think you mean evacuation route.

Me: The tsunami is coming. DIG FASTER!!

C: ... Maybe it said evacuation.

At least now we know where to dig.

She's charming and she knows it.

Me: How is school going? Are you getting settled in? Do you like your teachers?

Sabrina: I like most of my classes. The class I like least is Art.

Me: Really? That surprises me.

Sabrina: Yeah. I don't think the teacher likes me much.

Me: I'd be shocked if that were actually true.

Sabrina: There have been some teachers over the years that haven't liked me, Mom.

Rose: Here's a list of teachers over the years that haven't liked me. (brief silence) I'm done.

Two out of three.

The other day we heard a story about a family who had three sons, two of whom were gay.

Me: That's statistically unlikely, don't you think?

David: Unlikely, but not that improbable. Look at our family.We have three kids, and two of them are smart.

Sabrina: (laughs) Wait. Which one . . . ?

Calvin: Sorry, Sabrina.

A different kind of cool.

Me: Sabrina, you're such a cool person.

Sabrina: That's not surprising considering who I come from.

David: (laughing) I think that's the first time either one of us has ever been described that way. Cool doesn't exactly run in our family.

Sabrina: No, other people just have the wrong standard of cool.

Get it? Got it. Good.

Calvin: Mom, what does "get some" mean?

Me: What?

C: Well, the song lyrics say, "Tonight let's get some and live while we're young."

Me: . . .

C: Got it. I'm going out to play now.

Me: Wait. What, exactly, did you get?

C: You gave me the let's-not-go-there look, so I thought I would come back and ask again in a couple of years.

Ouch

Sabrina: Mom, you should go on The Voice. You're as good as anyone there.

Me: Aw, that's so sweet of you to say.

S: Yeah, and don't worry, because it's not like American Idol. They totally take old people.

He only looks cherubic.

Calvin: Dad, did you know there are people who can't read a clock?

David: Yes, I am aware of this fact.

C: Some of the kids in my class can't read the clock in our room. One kid who sits next to me is always asking me the time. "What time is it? Is it time for recess? When's lunch? " It gets pretty annoying.

D: So what do you do?

C: Well, I tell them the time, but I don't give them the right time.

D: What?

C: Yeah. If they say, "What time is it? Is lunch soon?" I'll look at the clock. It may be only 20 minutes away, but I will tell them it's not for two hours. Then they say, "Oh, man," and look really disappointed.

D: If you want them to stop asking you the time, why wouldn't you just teach them how to read a clock?

C: Because this is much more fun.

Don't you just want to give him big, fat hug?

My 10-year-old son Calvin came home the other day with an announcement. "I need to buy a birthday gift for a friend." I had a quick moment of panic as I couldn't remember any party being on the calendar.

Me: Who's birthday is it?

C: Rachel's.

Me: Were you invited to a party, and you just didn't show me the invitation?

C: No, I just know her birthday is during spring break, and I wanted to get her a gift.

Me: How did you know it was her birthday?

C: She told me, and then I wrote it down in my planner.

Grandma: Do you know what she would like?

C: Yes, I have a list. (Pulls it out of his pocket.)

Grandma: How'd you get the list?

C: I asked her best friend.

Wow.  All I can say is there is someone out there who is going to be a very lucky girl someday.

Morning Glory

This morning was busy as usual. Everyone was scrambling to get out door, everybody except Calvin who was calmly sitting at the dining room table.

David: Good morning, Calvin.

Calvin: Good morning, Dad.

D: Are you not going to school?

C: No, I'm going to school. Why?

D: Well, you might want to change out of your pajama pants, then.

C: Oh! I completely forgot. (Jumps up and runs to his room.)

D: (shouting up the stairs) Changing shirts to one that doesn't advertise beer would be a good idea, too!

Calvin came back downstairs in school-appropriate attire. He grabbed his backpack and started to go out to the car.

Me: Um, Calvin?

C: Yes?

Me: Where are your shoes?

C: Oh, shoot!

A few minutes later in the car.

Sabrina: Calvin, why are you putting on my shoes?

C: Darn it!!

Not a stellar morning for my boy. I told him not to worry. It still doesn't hold a candle to the day that Rose left the house wearing a shirt and her chaps . . . and no pants.

A continuation of last night's science conversation

David: When I was a kid, I experimented with physics and chemistry.

Calvin: How did you do that, Dad?

D: Well, my friends and I would work in my garage and make hydrogen and fill a balloon with it. Then we'd tie a string around it, take it outside, and let it go. But as we let it go, we'd set the string on fire. Once the string burned through, the balloon would explode.

C: That is so cool! I want to do that. And how was that chemistry AND physics?

D: Well, the creation of hydrogen was chemistry, and the explosion was physics.

Me: Did your mother know you were conducting these "experiments"?

D: Um ....

Me: Calvin, you are not allowed to do that. I do not want my house or garage to be accidentally blown up.

D: Your mother's right. You shouldn't do that without adult supervision.

C: Would we consider you an adult in this situation, Dad?