Where are my pants?

Sabrina: What are you wearing???

Rose: Pajama pants.

S: Those are MY pajama pants.

R: No, they're not.

S: Yes, they are.

R: No, they're not. They've been in my drawer for more than a year.

S: That doesn't matter. They're mine.

R: No, they're not.

S: I've been wondering where they were.

R: They've been in my drawer, because they're mine.

S: No, I remember distinctly what happened. Mom bought me some pajama pants at Old Navy. They were slightly too big, so she went back and got me the next size down. I've always had two pairs of pants that look exactly the same.

R: Well, they are mine. But even so, you shouldn't miss these because you already have a pair that is EXACTLY THE SAME.

S: Give them back. They're mine.

R: No, they are not. Why do you need two of the same thing anyway?

S: Because I like them, AND THEY ARE MINE!

R: No.

S: GIVE THEM BACK!!!

R: No. I am not taking these pants off and giving them to you.

S: Take them off, wash them, and give them back.

R: No.

Me: Can we please talk about something else? I am really tired of hearing about the pants.

Grandma: I heard you girls saw a movie yesterday. Did you like it?

S: Mom and I did. Rose didn't watch it, because she doesn't like any of the same things that I do.

Calvin: She likes the same pants.

Life Skills

Friend: Do you know what your children are doing downstairs?

Me: No. Why?

F: Just thought you should check, because I found both Sabrina and Calvin doing something with doorknobs.

Me: Sabrina, what are you guys doing?

Sabrina: Calvin and I are trying to pick a lock.

Me: Why?

S: Because I think it's a life skill that would be useful to know.

C: Yeah, you never know when it might come in handy.

David: Do you know what you're doing?

S: Not really.

D: You might want to be careful. Instead of picking the lock, you more likely will end up breaking the doorknob.

S: How do you know?

D: Let's just say personal experience.

C: You don't need to worry about that with me, Dad. I think I picked a tool that is too big. I haven't even been able to get it in the lock yet.

Helpful 2

Sabrina: What happens if I go out with this boy and I have nothing to say! So awkward! I just might die.

Me: Knowing you, I somehow doubt that will happen.

S: I could be tongue-tied and then he'd never want to see me again, and he'll tell all his friends how weird I am.

Calvin: Sabrina, I've been thinking about this, and I believe you need to have some questions ready to bring out for when there are lulls in conversation. Luckily for you, I have some questions prepared.

S: Cool! What are they?

C: Here they are. I think they'll be great conversation starters. Let me know if you need more.

    1. Do you know how to make a bow and arrow?

    2. Do you know how to make a slingshot?

    3. Have you ever been to prison?

    4. If so, what are the people like there?

Tooth Fairy Revisited

The tooth fairy has not visited our household in a long, long time. In addition to the kids' baby teeth just not wanting to exit their mouths, the few that have made a break for freedom have been ignored. I think Rose's last three teeth have netted a total of $0 for her. So when Calvin lost his tooth yesterday, he was naturally concerned.

Calvin: I finally lost a tooth.

David: Great.

C: Do you think the tooth fairy will visit? I know he hasn't visited Rose for her last few teeth.

D: Maybe he's dead.

C: Dad!

Me: He's not dead. It's probably more like the Dread Pirate Roberts.

C: I really want my money, though. How do I make sure he visits tonight?

D: Put it under your pillow.

Me: (shaking head vigorously in the background)

D: Or, uh, put it on the counter in the kitchen.

C: The kitchen?

Me: Yeah, he can find a tooth anywhere.

The next day . . .

C: Dad, the tooth fairy didn't come!

D: Yes, he did.

C: No, he didn't. At least I don't think he did. There's no money there, but my tooth is gone.

D: I am positive the tooth fairy visited last night. Check again.

C: There is nothing there.

Me: Um . . .

D: What?

Me: The money was on the counter?

D: Yes.

Me: I believe I know why the money isn't there now.

D: Why?

Me: Well, I saw the money on the counter this morning and thought, "Oh, goody, a free latte."

C: My tooth money bought you a coffee???

Me: Yes, and it was very delicious. Thank you.

I'd better unpack my shovel

We now live on the coast. I can see the ocean from my house.

Not a bad sight to wake up to every morning.

But in addition to the beautiful view and the soothing sounds of the ocean, this also apparently means we need to be aware of potential, although extremely unlikely, dangers. Specifically, I am talking about tsunamis. My guess, which I cannot substantiate with facts since I am too lazy to actually look up any information, is this was not a concern before the Fukushima tragedy. But now tsunami drills happen periodically. I was wondering how I would know when a drill was to take place, but I needn't have worried. First, you hear a voice on a loudspeaker, and then the loudest siren I have ever heard starts blaring. Also, on certain streets as you drive by you see warning signs.

Calvin is fascinated by these signs. We drove by one just the other day.

Calvin: Look, Mom! Look, Dad! There's a warning sign!

Me: What kind of sign?

C: It says tsunami excavation route!

David: Excavation route?

C: Yes.

D: I think you mean evacuation route.

Me: The tsunami is coming. DIG FASTER!!

C: ... Maybe it said evacuation.

At least now we know where to dig.

Not for the faint of heart (or weak of stomach)

For those of you that know me, I suffer from quite severe allergies. You name it, I'm allergic to it. If I come into contact with anything that grows or anything with fur and four legs, I'm off on a trip to Allergy Land with an uncertain return date. Fortunately, I function pretty well over all. I avoid triggers whenever possible. I married a man who has no desire for pets. And I avail myself of all the medical miracles at my disposal.

I have watched my children for years, hoping and praying they inherited their father's genes in the allergy department, rather than mine. For the most part, that seems to be the case. Calvin had some trouble with asthma as a toddler, but seemed to outgrow it by the time he was six. The girls have occasional sniffly noses in spring, but some simple over-the-counter antihistamines take care of that. I was just beginning to breathe easier (pun intended), thinking we dodged a bullet. But . . .

A year ago, Calvin started getting sick quite frequently. Every three to four weeks, he would catch another cold/virus. At first, I told myself it was a bad flu season. I was getting sick frequently also. We just had bad luck. But then in the spring, every time he got sick, he ended up with an asthma attack. I started thinking perhaps there was more to this than just bad luck in the cold department. I was just about ready to call the allergist, but then Calvin started to feel better in late spring. That combined with our move pushed it all to the back burner.

We hadn't even settled in yet, were still living in a hotel, and Calvin got sick once again. His breathing never really recovered. Medication didn't seem to be helping much, and any and everything (virus, exercise, being outdoors) triggered an asthma attack. The poor boy was panting his life away. But we were in a new area. I didn't know who to call. We don't have any doctors yet. What to do?I started to research. I found an allergist that had rave reviews and, luckily, was not too far away from our new location. I called, and they got us in within a week. Yesterday was Calvin's first appointment.

They started out with a breath test. He wasn't wheezing. His lungs didn't crackle. But the breath test showed that his lungs were inflamed. What this means is that he doesn't show any symptoms normally, but as soon as he comes into contact with a trigger, he goes from fine to in trouble with alarming speed. Next up was a nebulizer treatment for both the lungs and the nose to try to clear up his breathing. Next, we had to find out what he was allergic to.

I knew what was coming, having suffered through it many times in my life: allergy testing. This is something that is not too horrible if you are mildly allergic to things, but excruciating if you're on the other end of the spectrum. Calvin asked the nurse, "What is going to happen? Will it hurt? Are there needles involved?" The nurse gently informed him there would be no pain, no needles, just some itching. Calvin looked relieved. I didn't have the heart to tell him that "just some itching" takes on a whole new meaning with these tests.

They tested him on 96 (that's right, you heard me, 96!!) different items.

Right after they administered the test

Five minutes in

10 minutes in

15 minutes in

20 minutes in

25 minutes in

Poor baby. He's allergic to everything, just like me -- grasses, trees, mold, mildew, dust, dogs, cats. It's amazing he's been breathing at all. He almost cried when they told him he'd have to come back in two weeks for more testing (foods this time). I am just extremely grateful we live in an age where he can get effective treatment.

He got to choose what he wanted for dinner, but he barely made it through.

The waitress removed his plate just before his face fell into it.

It was an early night for all.

It was a hard day for Mom, too.

I think we can swing the last item on the list at the very least.

Calvin said there were some things he'd like in our new house, and could he submit a list? We said sure, and this is what he gave us.

Wishlist for Calvin

-My own bedroom
-A pool in our house or near it (not mandatory)
-A porch
-A tree in the front or backyard (for climbing, treehouse, or tire swing)
-An area in the front or backyard where I can ripstick, bike and play
-Storage area in my room
-My own TV (just kidding)
-An area where it is comfortable to play video games
-A shelf in my room (hopefully near my bed)
-A place where I can exercise (A bike trail or gym, etc.)
-Happiness :)

Two out of three.

The other day we heard a story about a family who had three sons, two of whom were gay.

Me: That's statistically unlikely, don't you think?

David: Unlikely, but not that improbable. Look at our family.We have three kids, and two of them are smart.

Sabrina: (laughs) Wait. Which one . . . ?

Calvin: Sorry, Sabrina.

Get it? Got it. Good.

Calvin: Mom, what does "get some" mean?

Me: What?

C: Well, the song lyrics say, "Tonight let's get some and live while we're young."

Me: . . .

C: Got it. I'm going out to play now.

Me: Wait. What, exactly, did you get?

C: You gave me the let's-not-go-there look, so I thought I would come back and ask again in a couple of years.

He only looks cherubic.

Calvin: Dad, did you know there are people who can't read a clock?

David: Yes, I am aware of this fact.

C: Some of the kids in my class can't read the clock in our room. One kid who sits next to me is always asking me the time. "What time is it? Is it time for recess? When's lunch? " It gets pretty annoying.

D: So what do you do?

C: Well, I tell them the time, but I don't give them the right time.

D: What?

C: Yeah. If they say, "What time is it? Is lunch soon?" I'll look at the clock. It may be only 20 minutes away, but I will tell them it's not for two hours. Then they say, "Oh, man," and look really disappointed.

D: If you want them to stop asking you the time, why wouldn't you just teach them how to read a clock?

C: Because this is much more fun.

Don't you just want to give him big, fat hug?

My 10-year-old son Calvin came home the other day with an announcement. "I need to buy a birthday gift for a friend." I had a quick moment of panic as I couldn't remember any party being on the calendar.

Me: Who's birthday is it?

C: Rachel's.

Me: Were you invited to a party, and you just didn't show me the invitation?

C: No, I just know her birthday is during spring break, and I wanted to get her a gift.

Me: How did you know it was her birthday?

C: She told me, and then I wrote it down in my planner.

Grandma: Do you know what she would like?

C: Yes, I have a list. (Pulls it out of his pocket.)

Grandma: How'd you get the list?

C: I asked her best friend.

Wow.  All I can say is there is someone out there who is going to be a very lucky girl someday.

Morning Glory

This morning was busy as usual. Everyone was scrambling to get out door, everybody except Calvin who was calmly sitting at the dining room table.

David: Good morning, Calvin.

Calvin: Good morning, Dad.

D: Are you not going to school?

C: No, I'm going to school. Why?

D: Well, you might want to change out of your pajama pants, then.

C: Oh! I completely forgot. (Jumps up and runs to his room.)

D: (shouting up the stairs) Changing shirts to one that doesn't advertise beer would be a good idea, too!

Calvin came back downstairs in school-appropriate attire. He grabbed his backpack and started to go out to the car.

Me: Um, Calvin?

C: Yes?

Me: Where are your shoes?

C: Oh, shoot!

A few minutes later in the car.

Sabrina: Calvin, why are you putting on my shoes?

C: Darn it!!

Not a stellar morning for my boy. I told him not to worry. It still doesn't hold a candle to the day that Rose left the house wearing a shirt and her chaps . . . and no pants.

A continuation of last night's science conversation

David: When I was a kid, I experimented with physics and chemistry.

Calvin: How did you do that, Dad?

D: Well, my friends and I would work in my garage and make hydrogen and fill a balloon with it. Then we'd tie a string around it, take it outside, and let it go. But as we let it go, we'd set the string on fire. Once the string burned through, the balloon would explode.

C: That is so cool! I want to do that. And how was that chemistry AND physics?

D: Well, the creation of hydrogen was chemistry, and the explosion was physics.

Me: Did your mother know you were conducting these "experiments"?

D: Um ....

Me: Calvin, you are not allowed to do that. I do not want my house or garage to be accidentally blown up.

D: Your mother's right. You shouldn't do that without adult supervision.

C: Would we consider you an adult in this situation, Dad?

Inquiring minds want to know

I just endured another family dinner where the conversation around the table once again devolved to science topics. During the course of the evening they covered everything from the difference between chemistry and physics (life sciences being fairly obvious) to the differences between theoretical and particle physics, the six kinds of quarks, and how to create a really great explosion in your own front yard.

Me: I'm getting really bored. Can I request that at least one conversation in ten pertain to literature or history? We can talk about books or perhaps have a lively discussion on the implications of the Inquisition.

Calvin:  Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

David:  Fetch the comfy chair! There, are you happy?

Me:  Sigh.

In the dark

When you live near a city, you never really experience true dark. Except for the few times they have gone camping with their dad, my kids have lived with light. More often than not, when I check on them before I go to bed, they are asleep in their rooms with their lights on. So this week in Wyoming has been a learning experience for them. We are in the middle of nowhere, and when the lights go off, it is dark. You can't see your hand in front of your face. We gave the kids flashlights to keep beside their beds in case they had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Sabrina decided very shortly after the lights went out that she needed to go, but she was having trouble finding her flashlight.

Sabrina: Dad! Dad! Help me! I can't find my flashlight! What should I do?

David: It's right on your bedside table. Just pick it up.

S: But I can't find it. I can't see! How am I supposed to find it when I can't see?

D: You need to use your other senses.

Calvin: Taste?

Me: Yeah, you'll need to lick your way to the bathroom.

S: That is not funny, guys.

(a little bit later)

C: Dad, is it true that when you can't see, your other senses get sharper?

D: Yes, that is true.

Rose: Is that why I can smell someone's fart?

Ah, the joys of communal living.

Dirt revisited

Sabrina: Mom, Calvin won't put down his sunshade. Make him put it down. He's obstructing my view of dirt.

Calvin: No, you've got miles of dirt on your own side.

See how much fun we're having?

We're on a family vacation, driving through the desert in Nevada. The girls and I are gritting our teeth and doing the best we can to endure. David and Calvin are having a grand old time. David gave our son an atlas of the 50 states and showed him the route. Calvin instantly fell in love with this concept and has been keeping us informed with regular updates as to where we are and how far we have to go. When not poring over the map, he's been looking out the window and peppering David with questions.

Calvin: Look, Dad! Did you see that?

(a few minutes later)

C: What about that, Dad? Did you see that?

(a few minutes later)

C: Did you see that? Did you? Did you?

Sabrina: It's dirt, Calvin. Just dirt. It's ALL dirt.

David: Hey, guys, we're over halfway there!

S: We're almost there?

D: No, I said we're over halfway there. We still have five hours to go.

S: So. Much. Dirt.

RALFing

A friend of ours recently introduced us to Words with Friends. It has quickly taken over our whole household so that frequently you will hear someone screaming from another room, "NOOOOOOO!" or, "Seventy-three points for ZEP? You've got to be kidding me! That's not even a word!" The latter has happened enough times that we have changed the name of the game. It is no longer Words with Friends, but rather Random Arrangement of Letters with Friends, or RALF. Now in addition to the howls of frustration you will also hear someone say, "Hey, have you RALFed yet today?"

Calvin wanted to get in on the action, so I've been playing with him. He is particularly good at RALFing. Some of his most recent words include PECH, FUD, and YAG, all RALF-tastic words. He has also discovered the chat function on the game where, in addition to playing, he likes to practice his trash talking.

C:  I'm going to beat you >:)

Me: Bring your lunch because it will take you ALL day. ;)

C:  We won't even get to BRUNCH >:)

C plays JOW for 24 points

C:  See that pure skill.

Me: Not skill, but the power of RALF.

C: I got the moves like ralf. I got the moves like ralf

C: I got the mooooooOOOOOooooves like ralf.

Dinner at the George household

Sabrina: One of my life goals was to be six feet tall, but it looks like I am never going to achieve that. I am devastated, but I believe I am going to have to resign myself to being a high-heel-wearing short girl.

Rose: I like my height right now. I'm taller than most of the boys in my class.

Calvin: As long as I'm not freakishly small or really, really, really, really, really, really tall, I don't care what my height will be. I can still have pie.

It's all in your perspective

While at the bookstore yesterday, I got the kids a treat to eat while they were reading their new books. Calvin chose an apple tart. After making a valiant effort at eating it with a fork, he finally gave up and ate it with his hands. This was, predictably, extremely messy.

Rose: Calvin, oh my gosh, look at your hands! They're all covered in --

Calvin: Heaven.