How Do You Compete With Crazy?

I think those of you who are acquainted with me know that I loathe exercise in all of its many and varied forms. But lately I've been noticing creaks and groans in the joints and I have had to face the fact that I am no longer a spring chicken. To counteract the effects of time, I decided it was time to implement an exercise program. So for the last month I have been quietly exercising. And by quietly I mean bitching, moaning, cursing, and generally being a pill about the whole thing.

I sucked it up and started moving my body. I have exercised four times a week for a month now. I have done everything from yoga and pilates to a spin class and walking. I even went to a body pump class taught by my friend Erin that was both frightening and amazing and left me hobbling for a full four days. I have been very proud of myself.

Until a few days ago.

That is when I found out that my husband took my exercise idea and, as so eloquently stated by my daughter, raised it by about a billion. Nothing simple like moving your body a couple of times a week for him. Oh no! Never one to do things by half measures, he decided he was going to run every day for 100 straight days. That's right. You heard me. One Hundred Days Of Running. Good lord, how can I compete with that? I told him I now officially hate him as anything I do looks pathetic and wimpy compared to him.

If you want to follow him and see how he's faring with this ridiculous goal, you can read about it here. http://run100days.blogspot.com/

It's Not Easy Being an Evil Genius

Sabrina: Calvin, let me give you some tips here. When you attempt an evil laugh, you have to let it all out. You can't do it through your nose. If you do, you just end up blowing snot on people, and while that's evil, it's not really the evil you're going for.

And You Thought iPad Was a Bad Name

I received a nook for my birthday a couple of years ago. Upon acquiring it, it did not take long for me to jump on the ebook bandwagon. I love it for many reasons, not least of which is that I can hide my book buying habit from my husband. Twenty-five (thirty-five? forty?) books are much easier to hide in my nook than on my bedside table.

But then family members started borrowing my nook, most notably Sabrina, but also David and Calvin. And therein lies the downside of keeping all your books in one small electronic device. If you don't have your device, you don't have your books. Good thing I keep a small stash of paper books for just such emergencies.

But my stash was running low, so I bought Sabrina her very own nook for her birthday so she would stop borrowing mine. She discovered when setting it up that you can name your nook.

Sabrina: Mom, guess what? You can name your nook!

Me: Yes, I know.

S: What did you name yours?

Me: My nook.

S: That's totally boring. I named mine Nookie.

Me: Ha ha ha!

S: What? What's wrong with nookie?

Me: (giggling) Absolutely nothing, dear.

David: Nope, nothing wrong with nookie.

S: Why are you guys laughing? I don't get it. What'd I do?

D: Do you spend a lot of time with nookie?

Me: Hee, hee, hee.

S: WHAT? You have to tell me!

Me: Um, nookie? Slang term for sex.

S: Ewwwww! That's gross. Why would people ruin a perfectly good word like that? I'll have to change its name now.

(a few days later on the way home from school)

S: I was talking with my English teacher today. I told him how many books I read over Christmas break. He was really impressed.

Me: Yup, all you really need in life is just you and some nookie.

S: MOM!!

Me: (innocently) What?

S: Don't be so gross!

Me: All I said was that you really like to spend time with your e-reader. Get your mind out of the gutter, girlfriend.

S: You did that on purpose! My nook is no longer nookie. I have officially renamed it.

Me: To what?

S: Nookalicious.

Me: (snorting) Oh, yeah, that's much better.

(a few days later . . .)

S: I have an announcement. Since I cannot deal with your childish behavior, I have hereby renamed my nook Steve.

Me: Are you going to make sure that you and Steve get some quality time together this weekend?

S: Oh. My. God. You are so weird, Mom.

Medical care at its finest.

Sabrina and Calvin are playing veterinarian with their stuffed animals.

Vet (Calvin): What can I do for you today?

Pet Owner (Sabrina): Well, doctor, Mr. Bun Buns is suffering from depression. He doesn't seem to want to engage in his usual activities. Plus, he has no friends.

Vet: I would suggest he go find a friend then.

I Hear There's an Opening for President Next Year

Calvin told me he wanted to be a Literature Leader at school. Apparently this is where fourth graders go to second grade and help out with reading groups. The following is the letter he wrote explaining why he wanted this position.

Dear Mrs. Regan,

I want to be part of Literature Leadership. I want to be part of it because I'm SUPER good at reading and I love to do it. I once read a 565 page book in only one week! I also feel the need to help others. I have lots of experience with little kids. I have a friend who has two little brothers. One is seven and is in second grade, and the other is three and does not yet go to school. Sometimes my sister babysits them and I go too. I usually keep them entertained the most. I also want to be a leader. I think I'm a good leader because I like to control things. Whenever I'm in control things ALWAYS turn out great.

Sincerely,

CALVIN!

Don't Give Him Any Ideas

(Guest Post by Mr. Mini-Whats)

Last night I took Calvin to see the stage-musical version of Shrek. As we were sitting in our seats waiting for the show to start, two older gentlemen came and sat next to us.

The man next to Calvin introduced himself and began talking with him and joking. He talked about how sometimes he takes off his artificial leg and hits people with it (reminding me of Arrested Development - "let that be a lesson…"). He told Calvin he knew Calvin was really there to see the pretty girl dancers in tight costumes. He mentioned to Calvin that he knew it was past his bedtime, but if Calvin started to drift off, he would give him a little elbow in the ribs to keep him awake. Few people have ever got so many "Grrrr's" out of Calvin at once. I was having a great time.

Just before intermission, the gentlemen unexpectedly laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair. There was nothing particularly funny at that moment on stage. Fortunately it was during a loud musical number, or it would have been really awkward.

At intermission, as I was getting ready to follow Calvin out to the snack bar, he explained his outburst. He had started dozing off, and Calvin had nudged him in the ribs with his elbow to keep him awake.

Score 1 for Calvin!

Conversations With the Georges

Rose: I love these shoes! I love the way they make me feel. I feel old.

Calvin: I feel awesome.

Rose: Maybe it's because they're so high.

Calvin: Maybe it's because I am.