In Which Yarn Gets Left Behind

Me: Rose, have you packed your carryon bag for the airplane?

R: Yes.

Me: What did you pack?

R: I have a couple of books, a pencil box with pens and pencils, a clipboard so I have something hard to draw on, some paper, and my journal. I also packed some yarn and a pair of scissors in case I wanted to make anything yarn-y.

Me: Um, sweetie, you can't pack scissors in your carryon bag.

R: Oh, is it considered a weapon?

Me: Yes, it is.

R: All right. Well, then, I may as well take the yarn out, too. If I don't have the scissors, I can't use the yarn. I can't just chew the ends.

Me: Probably not.

R: No, I really can't. I've tried it before.

Boobies are Better

A recent conversation our family had while we were driving around town:

Rose: Mom, guess what?

Me: What?

Rose: I'm finally growing boobies! Isn't that awesome?

Me: Yes, honey, it sure is.

Sabrina: Rose, I can't believe you just said that!

Rose: What?

Sabrina: You shouldn't talk about your boobies.

Rose: Why not? It's taken forever. And besides, boobies are better.

Calvin: No, they're not.

Rose: They are, too.

Calvin: No, they're not!

Rose: Boobies are better. Wieners are worse.

Sabrina: Ewww!

Calvin: Boobies are not better. Wieners are.

Rose: Boobies are better. Wieners are worse. Notice the alliteration? I'm obviously right.

Calvin: Okay, then . . . Boobies boo. Wieners win.

Sabrina: Guys, stop it! Mom, make them stop!

Rose: Boobies are better! Wieners are worse!

Calvin: Boobies boo! Wieners win!

Sabrina: (hands over ears) I'm not listening.

I'm lucky I didn't drive off the side of the road I was laughing so hard.

Birthday Plans

We do birthday parties for the kids every other year. This preserves my pocketbook as well as my sanity. This year is a party year, Rose's birthday is fast approaching, and I have no idea what to do. I was starting to stress. And then I found this little sheet of paper laying around.

Birthday Party Plan

1. Meet at my house and play games.
2. Goof off, hang out.
3. Drive to Sky Zone.
4. Jump for as long as possible at Sky Zone.
5. Back to my house.
6. Open present, eat cake/ice cream.
7. Have accessorize time
- paint nails
-hair dos
8. Fashion/show off time
- dress up
- walk runway
9. Pajamas, brush teeth, etc.
10. Sing off.
11. Get in bed.
12. Stay up until late talking about girly stuff and boys.

Guess I don't need to worry. Rose has got it all covered.

Doing it Right

S: Mom, can I ask you a question?

Me: Sure. What's up?

S: Did you and dad . . . do it . . . to get me?

Me: Do it?

S: You know.

Me: You mean sex?

S: MOM!

Me: Well, yes, of course we did.

S: . . . really?

Me: News flash, honey. Everyone in this world got here because people had sex.

S: MOM!

Me: What?

S: Don't say that word!

Me: Sex?

S: MOM!

Me: Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

S: (hands over ears) Stop it!

Me: Sweetie, you just learned one of life's little lessons.

S: What's that?

Me: You don't ever want to think about your parents having sex --

S: Ewww!

Me: -- and you don't want to think about your children having sex.

S: Mom, please say "doing it."

Me: That's why daddies often have trouble when their daughters come home after they've been married a while and announce they're pregnant. They can no longer ignore the fact that their daughter has, in fact, been having sex.

S: Well, my dad won't have that problem.

Me: Oh, really? Why not?

S: Because I'm adopting.

Me: But don't you plan on getting married someday?

S: Yes. But I'm sure we'll wait three or four years before we think about . . . you know.

Side Effects May Include an Increased Tendency to be a Smart-Ass

David: Calvin, what happened to your face? You've got a really bad rash.

C: I don't know. The doctor said it was an allergic reaction to something.

Me: He's also been really lethargic all day. And he missed playing with his friends at school, so he seems a little depressed.

C: Cymbalta can help.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Sabrina is -- how shall I put this delicately? -- exuberant? Lively? Energetic? High-spirited? We have longed joked that she has two settings, Loud and Off, and Off is broken. But some days there is a limit to how much Rose can take of Sabrina's zest for life.

While driving in the car, Sabrina was expounding on something (loudly) from the backseat.

Rose: Sabrina! You're too loud!

Sabrina continued her story while whispering.

Rose: I can still hear you.

The gift that keeps on giving

After seeing how much Calvin loved a golf class he took last summer, my dad got Calvin a kid-sized starter golf club set for Christmas. While Calvin was thrilled to have his own clubs, he was mightily disappointed when we forbid him from ever swinging them inside the house. Being unable to use the clubs, his attention, therefore, switched to the tube the clubs came in.

The tube was around four inches in diameter and three feet tall and was perfect for launching rockets from your shoulder. He spent the rest of the evening running around the house, poking the tube into people's faces, and firing an endless barrage of ammunition. Unwrapping presents suddenly became fraught with danger. I glared at David, my eyes sending the clear message that he had better handle this and soon. He finally spoke up:

David: (In a threatening tone) Calvin, if you ever point that bazooka at someone in this room . . . the explosion will kill you as well. Make sure you put more distance between you and your target.

That's parenting at its finest right there, folks.