Can You Hear Me Now?

Sabrina is -- how shall I put this delicately? -- exuberant? Lively? Energetic? High-spirited? We have longed joked that she has two settings, Loud and Off, and Off is broken. But some days there is a limit to how much Rose can take of Sabrina's zest for life.

While driving in the car, Sabrina was expounding on something (loudly) from the backseat.

Rose: Sabrina! You're too loud!

Sabrina continued her story while whispering.

Rose: I can still hear you.

The gift that keeps on giving

After seeing how much Calvin loved a golf class he took last summer, my dad got Calvin a kid-sized starter golf club set for Christmas. While Calvin was thrilled to have his own clubs, he was mightily disappointed when we forbid him from ever swinging them inside the house. Being unable to use the clubs, his attention, therefore, switched to the tube the clubs came in.

The tube was around four inches in diameter and three feet tall and was perfect for launching rockets from your shoulder. He spent the rest of the evening running around the house, poking the tube into people's faces, and firing an endless barrage of ammunition. Unwrapping presents suddenly became fraught with danger. I glared at David, my eyes sending the clear message that he had better handle this and soon. He finally spoke up:

David: (In a threatening tone) Calvin, if you ever point that bazooka at someone in this room . . . the explosion will kill you as well. Make sure you put more distance between you and your target.

That's parenting at its finest right there, folks.

Pretty in Pink

I love getting pedicures -- the warm water, the foot massages, the pretty toes at the end. And since I neglected to write this important promise into my wedding vows (I promise to love you, honor you, and rub your feet whenever you desire), I pay to have some stranger do it.

Generally I walk out of the salon with my toenails painted red or a pretty pink. But last week I tried something different. It's fall. I don't need pink. Why not try an edgier color on my toenails? After consulting with my daughter, I chose a really dark purple.

Unfortunately, this dark purple actually looked black once applied. I wasn't sure I liked it, but thought it might grow on me. It hasn't. I think I have to face facts. I'm not edgy. I don't look down at my toes and think, "You're really rocking the biker chick look, Jen." I look down at my toes and think, "Mmm, licorice." I think I'll go see if the kids got any for Halloween. Excuse me while I go raid their secret stashes.

What Happened to Jennifer?

You never know what life's going to throw at you. I was happy, relatively speaking. Granted, my job was mind-numbingly boring. And yes, I was wasting money on shoes no one would ever see since there is really no need to wear sparkly blue heels when you wear your pajamas to work. But I was content . . . sort of. I certainly wasn't out searching for a big change. Change is scary. Change makes my stomach hurt.

But one day this summer, I received a phone call. Would I consider teaching music part-time to upper elementary students? I almost hung up on them, just like my brother (a virulent sports-hater) actually did when Major League Baseball called trying to recruit him to manage their websites. I stayed on the line, probably more out of shock than politeness, and sure enough, they were offering me a job.

What should I do? Up until this exact moment in my life, I had never considered teaching, EVER. Anyone who knows me knows I have steadfastly maintained that I hate children. Good grief, I can barely stand my own. Why would I willingly walk into multiple classrooms filled with dozens of children, none of whom were mine? I repeated this over and over to my husband, but he expressed the opinion that I obviously don't hate children that much considering the number of hours I've spent volunteering in the classroom at my kids' school. I countered that it was my duty, and I have always been a slave to duty. (Said while looking martyr-like and staring off into the distance, Pirates of Penzance music playing in my head.)

But there it was, a legitimate offer of a new job, one that wouldn't bore me to tears, one that would let me interact with the human race, and one in which I might be able to wear those blue sparkly heels. So after some consideration, I decided to jump. When that kind of opportunity lands in your lap, you would have to be a fool to turn it down, even if it does require an anxiety pill or two to cope with all the scary change.

So now I'm a teacher. God sure does have a funny sense of humor. And despite David's protestations to the contrary that he thinks I'm well-suited for this job, I found him chuckling and shaking his head the other evening. When I asked him what he was laughing at, he said, "I was just thinking if someone had told me five years ago that in the future my wife would be a teacher, I would have asked, 'What happened to Jennifer?' followed by, 'Is my new wife hot?'"

Inside-Out

My kids took a trip to Mount St. Helens while visiting my parents last week. It's so interesting hearing what your kids take away from little educational trips like this. In a nutshell, here are my kids' reactions.

Sabrina: First, we went to one visitors center and saw a 16-minute video. Then, we went to a second center and saw two short 5-minute videos. So we saw about 25 to 30 minutes of video altogether.

When asked by my mother what they saw after one of the videos, Sabrina just looked at her blankly. And it took some prompting for her to remember that after the video, the screen was raised, and they were able to see up close and personal some of the area devastated by the eruption.

Rose: Well, there were two different gift stores. And they had these cute little moose earrings. Wouldn't it be cute to wear moose earrings? I would love something like that. And they also had this cool multicolored volcano putty. I sure would love to get my hands on that.

After about 10 more minutes of hearing about the wonders of the gift stores, I asked Rose if she actually learned anything about the mountain itself. She had far less to say about that. "It blew up. It was big."

Calvin: We were sitting in this theater looking out over the mountain. Guess what, mom? If we had been sitting there when the mountain blew up, we totally would have been taken out!

There was some later discussion comparing Pompeii to Mount St. Helens. Rose asked if we dug under the ash and mud, would we find intact houses, lodges, bodies, et cetera, like they did with Pompeii. David told her that no, it was a different type of explosion. Calvin piped in with, "Oh, so Mount St. Helens had a different pyroclastic flow?"

Say what? When challenged by Sabrina that he didn't know what that meant, he shot back with a decent definition (the way the ash and rocks flow down a mountain after it explodes). I was totally impressed.

Of course, this is the same kid that five minutes later informed us he had just discovered his pants were on inside-out.

Movie Review: Inception

I don't go to the movies all that often. This is partially because going to the movies never makes it into David's top ten list of favorite things to do. It probably doesn't even make it into his top 20 list. My guess is that for him going to the movies falls somewhere below yard work and above getting a root canal. Or perhaps it's because he catches all the movies on his long, long flights to Asia.

I, on the other hand, love going to the movies. I love the darkened theater, the smell of the popcorn, and the chance for a couple of hours to escape reality. I don't ask a lot of the movies that I watch, simply that they entertain. And, boy, does Inception entertain.

I will admit that when Inception first arrived in theaters, I wasn't too keen on going to see it. This was for one reason only: Leonardo DiCaprio. I've never been a fan of his, although I can't really give you an explicit reason why. I never got all the hoopla around Titanic. Guess what, folks? The ship sinks. No big mystery there. But the reviews for Inception were resoundingly positive, and the storyline sounded interesting. So when a friend called me up and asked if I wanted to join her, I said yes, despite my dislike of Mr. DiCaprio.

Movies require that you suspend disbelief, and this movie is no exception. I don't know about you, but my dreams have never, ever been this crystal clear, coherent, and complete. My dreams tend to be rather fuzzy in appearance. I'm never able to run away from bad guys like they do in this film. My legs never seem to work, and I end up trying to get away in an awkward G.I. Joe crawl. Or I'm going to a final for a class that I haven't ever attended. And nobody in this movie seems to have problems with an embarrassing lack of clothes in a public arena. On the other hand, nobody would ever want to spend two-plus hours in my dreams, so maybe it's a good thing they didn't base this movie on the kinds of dreams I'm familiar with.

I've seen a few movies this year, mostly children's flicks, some of which were quite entertaining. But I will say that Inception is definitely the best film I've seen all year. It was so engaging I found myself smiling the whole way through and thinking and wondering about it afterward, always the mark of a good film. I haven't enjoyed a movie this much in ages. And maybe, just maybe it changed my perception of Leonardo DiCaprio just the tiniest bit.

On Educating a Whole New Generation of Drivers

Rose:  There sure are a lot of idiots on the road aren't there?

Me:  What makes you say that, honey?

Rose:  Because you sure seem to come across a lot of them when you're driving.